Bill's Notes

I was talking about relationships the other day, and I overheard myself saying something that's a classic double-bind. The person asked me something like, "How can you really know the other person in a relationship." And I responded, "You never really know someone's character until you're broken up." Of course, how can you have a relationship if you can't know them, and you can't really know them until you've split up. Welcome to the double bind.

I could lay out the reasoning in some detail, but I think folks can intuitively understand the half-truth buried in that statement. How many people have found that there ex-significant other suddenly begins telling you "how they really feel"? Or act in a way that seems suddenly out of character.

Still, I don't buy it. Over the last few days, I've altered the idea a little bit: What really reveals a person's character is how they react to the word "no" to something that's very important.

No.

Do they accept it? Try to understand it? Go through a growth process? A challenge to find another, sane way of resolving the problem?

Or do they argue incessantly? Fight about it? Whine, complain, act passive-aggressive, practice avoidance, plot revenge, incur resentments? Freak out? Get abusive, even violent? Do they get manipulative and try to find another way?

Or do they get neurotic? Weepy?

Drug addicts, for example, can often seem completely reasonable and pleasant to doctors when they're seeking to con the medicine men for a fake prescription. When they hear no, they often change instantly. The masks drops and the doctor sees them for what they really are.

No.

FTR, I have mixed results in handling no's when something's important to me. Wish I could report otherwise. Sometimes I see "no" as a growth opportunity and a challenge to either alter my desires or find a better way to accomplish my goals; other times, not so much.