[Bill,
July 31, 2007]
Step Nine for Unprosecuted Felons
Regarding former U of VA student Liz Seccuro's filing charges against her rapist, who contacted her via snail mail as part of Step Nine of AA 20 years after raping her. Here's my take on Step Nine if you are an unprosecuted felon:
1. Step Nine does not give you carte blance to contact people. If you're a rapist, do not contact your victim at her home address. To a victim, it feels like a massive invasion of privacy. Guess why? It is. Think about it. You're a rapist. Now you've just told your victim you the rapist knows where she lives. Not only that, you probably cyber-stalked her to get the address, and she's sure gonna be spooked about that. That's the message the letter sends merely by showing up in her mailbox. You've violated her once; the letter violates her again.
And guess what? Every society, including ours, has mechanisms for dealing with situations such as this without requiring the perpetrator to directly contact the victim. In some societies, it's the tribal chief. In ours, it's the justice system. Yes, the justice system is not just for victims, part of what the courts do is give perpetrators a chance to "pay their debt."
2. Step Nine does not permit you to make things worse for others so that you can ease your conscience. Did you get drunk and sleep with your best friend's wife? Guess what: You can't damage their marriage so that you can feel better about yourself. Some burdens you just have to flat-out carry. In fact, part of your penance is to carry that burden, quietly, without complaining. If it's too much and you want to whine about it, find a therapist.
3. Unless you can really empathize with others, that is, really put yourself in their shoes, don't even try to attempt Step Nine with that person. That state of empathy takes a long time for an alcoholic, maybe a couple of decades. Any attempt at minimizing, or bad motivations, will be obvious. And piss the victim off.
4. Whenever you do Step Nine, do not give the victim the problem of justice. For example, don't say, "I'll do anything you want to make up for it." Why not? Because you've just made justice her problem, not yours. It's not her job to come up with the 12 labors of Hercules for you. It's not her job how to figure out how to make things right. It's yours.
5. You will not "get drunk" if you fail to do Step Nine. While AA has a lot of great things about it, there's this underlying belief that unless you do all the steps, you'll get drunk again. It's not true. That's an excuse people use. The only step you need to do perfectly is Step One. Do the first five steps — that is, clean up, do your moral inventory. Then cope.
6. You may have done things while drinking that are felonies, for which the statute of limitations has not run out. You have to make a choice: Do you do your time — or not? Follow your conscience. If your conscience tells you that the solution is to live your new life best you can, to do good, then do that. If your conscience tells you that you have to pay for your crimes, then do the following:
A. Contact a defense lawyer.
B. You and your attorney go down to the police station together. Because you know what? The police do want to hear directly from you.
C. Think about any accomplices. Are you going to send others to jail to ease your conscience? It depends on the situation. Keep this in mind.
D. Guess what? The justice system provides a time for criminals to apologize to their victims. Usually, it's right before sentencing. And if you think about it, that's the best time for Step Nine in such circumstances. More important, the victim has control over whether to show up or not, whether to speak or not.
My two cents. YMMV.
1. Step Nine does not give you carte blance to contact people. If you're a rapist, do not contact your victim at her home address. To a victim, it feels like a massive invasion of privacy. Guess why? It is. Think about it. You're a rapist. Now you've just told your victim you the rapist knows where she lives. Not only that, you probably cyber-stalked her to get the address, and she's sure gonna be spooked about that. That's the message the letter sends merely by showing up in her mailbox. You've violated her once; the letter violates her again.
And guess what? Every society, including ours, has mechanisms for dealing with situations such as this without requiring the perpetrator to directly contact the victim. In some societies, it's the tribal chief. In ours, it's the justice system. Yes, the justice system is not just for victims, part of what the courts do is give perpetrators a chance to "pay their debt."
2. Step Nine does not permit you to make things worse for others so that you can ease your conscience. Did you get drunk and sleep with your best friend's wife? Guess what: You can't damage their marriage so that you can feel better about yourself. Some burdens you just have to flat-out carry. In fact, part of your penance is to carry that burden, quietly, without complaining. If it's too much and you want to whine about it, find a therapist.
3. Unless you can really empathize with others, that is, really put yourself in their shoes, don't even try to attempt Step Nine with that person. That state of empathy takes a long time for an alcoholic, maybe a couple of decades. Any attempt at minimizing, or bad motivations, will be obvious. And piss the victim off.
4. Whenever you do Step Nine, do not give the victim the problem of justice. For example, don't say, "I'll do anything you want to make up for it." Why not? Because you've just made justice her problem, not yours. It's not her job to come up with the 12 labors of Hercules for you. It's not her job how to figure out how to make things right. It's yours.
5. You will not "get drunk" if you fail to do Step Nine. While AA has a lot of great things about it, there's this underlying belief that unless you do all the steps, you'll get drunk again. It's not true. That's an excuse people use. The only step you need to do perfectly is Step One. Do the first five steps — that is, clean up, do your moral inventory. Then cope.
6. You may have done things while drinking that are felonies, for which the statute of limitations has not run out. You have to make a choice: Do you do your time — or not? Follow your conscience. If your conscience tells you that the solution is to live your new life best you can, to do good, then do that. If your conscience tells you that you have to pay for your crimes, then do the following:
A. Contact a defense lawyer.
B. You and your attorney go down to the police station together. Because you know what? The police do want to hear directly from you.
C. Think about any accomplices. Are you going to send others to jail to ease your conscience? It depends on the situation. Keep this in mind.
D. Guess what? The justice system provides a time for criminals to apologize to their victims. Usually, it's right before sentencing. And if you think about it, that's the best time for Step Nine in such circumstances. More important, the victim has control over whether to show up or not, whether to speak or not.
My two cents. YMMV.