[Bill,
July 19, 2007]
Dr. Know-it-all
Bill is on vacation. Guest editor Dr. Know-It-All answers your burning questions about life, liberty and all that. All reasonable questions will be answered.
Dear Dr. Know-It-All: I recently shot my wife with a sniper rifle while she was on stage at a recent concert. Now the law's looking for me.
Dear Sniper-Boy: Killing an unarmed person who does not plan to physically harm you is an act of the crassest cowardice, and Dr. Know-It-All condemns it in the strongest terms. So did Dr. Know-It-All's advisor, Mr. Know-A-Lot, who added, however, that, "I guess she won't do whatever she did to piss him off again."
If you wanted to act honorably, you needed to attempt to kill her with a microphone in front of all those other people. Or you needed to give her a sniper rifle and then give her fair warning. As such, you need to eat the rifle to restore your honor. Or go to confession/turn yourself in.
Dear Dr. Know-It-All: My old friends enjoy reminding me of stupid things I did many years ago. I'm not terribly bothered by the chops-busting. But that's not the whole story. For example, I once utterly rocked the world of one of his wife's best friends. She talked about it for years. So 25 years later he sends me an email busting my chops one day about a joke I once made, and so I respond, "How's Jo---." He writes me the next day and says it took half a day to remember who she was. The girl was a bridesmaid at his wedding, fer f---k's sake. WTF, over?
Dear Toady-seeker: What was the stupid joke you made that you won't repeat? And who was Jo---? Oh, you mean the girl you were talking about in the beginning of the paragraph. I'd already forgotten about her after you mentioned the joke you won't repeat. Look, if you want to surround yourself with sycophants, toadies and bootlickers, hire an entourage. Otherwise, be prepared to be reminded of your youthful errors. It keeps you humble. And what was that joke?
Dear Dr. Know-It-All: I am afraid that if Hillary Clinton becomes president, that I will develop Clinton Derangement Syndrome and sound like a right-wing version of those frothing Atrios readers. If Hillary wins, will I go insane?
Dear Right-Wing Blog Dude: Actually, this is not as retarded a question as it sounds. You are right: If you think Clinton Derangement Syndrome as a potential problem, you should get used to the idea now. First, get a 30-day supply of bottled water and put it in your basement. Get 30 days worth of canned food. Get plenty of ammo. Feel better? Good. Because if our entire economic system collapses and the powergrid is destroyed, most of the weak will be killed off in the first 30 days of chaos. But you'll only be emerging, fresh, to fight for food, water and women in the post-apocalypse wasteland. Sounds kind of cool, doesn't it?
Dear Dr. Know-It-All: Many years ago, a girl who swore eternal love for me pressed the duck of a couple of other guys. She said it meant nothing, but I kicked her to the curb. She quickly entered a new relationship, declared the new guy the love of her life, got married and had kids with him. Twenty years later, I google her and find their divorce papers on the Internet. Turns out they just got divorced because she got nekkid with someone not her husband or me. In the legal papers, it mentioned that her own son has taken to calling her a ho. While I'm sorry people have been hurt, is it wrong that I somehow feel incredibly satisfied by this turn of events?
Dr. Schaudenfreude-Questioner: It appears it took you 20 years to confirm that breaking up with her was the right thing to do. After all, if she was able to succeed in this immediate rebound relationship, then clearly the problem was you. But with her repeating the pattern, it's obvious you made the right call. You may feel satisfied that your world once again makes sense. But as you said, it's not good to enjoy other's pain. Good boy.
Dear Dr. Know-It-All: I recently shot my wife with a sniper rifle while she was on stage at a recent concert. Now the law's looking for me.
Dear Sniper-Boy: Killing an unarmed person who does not plan to physically harm you is an act of the crassest cowardice, and Dr. Know-It-All condemns it in the strongest terms. So did Dr. Know-It-All's advisor, Mr. Know-A-Lot, who added, however, that, "I guess she won't do whatever she did to piss him off again."
If you wanted to act honorably, you needed to attempt to kill her with a microphone in front of all those other people. Or you needed to give her a sniper rifle and then give her fair warning. As such, you need to eat the rifle to restore your honor. Or go to confession/turn yourself in.
Dear Dr. Know-It-All: My old friends enjoy reminding me of stupid things I did many years ago. I'm not terribly bothered by the chops-busting. But that's not the whole story. For example, I once utterly rocked the world of one of his wife's best friends. She talked about it for years. So 25 years later he sends me an email busting my chops one day about a joke I once made, and so I respond, "How's Jo---." He writes me the next day and says it took half a day to remember who she was. The girl was a bridesmaid at his wedding, fer f---k's sake. WTF, over?
Dear Toady-seeker: What was the stupid joke you made that you won't repeat? And who was Jo---? Oh, you mean the girl you were talking about in the beginning of the paragraph. I'd already forgotten about her after you mentioned the joke you won't repeat. Look, if you want to surround yourself with sycophants, toadies and bootlickers, hire an entourage. Otherwise, be prepared to be reminded of your youthful errors. It keeps you humble. And what was that joke?
Dear Dr. Know-It-All: I am afraid that if Hillary Clinton becomes president, that I will develop Clinton Derangement Syndrome and sound like a right-wing version of those frothing Atrios readers. If Hillary wins, will I go insane?
Dear Right-Wing Blog Dude: Actually, this is not as retarded a question as it sounds. You are right: If you think Clinton Derangement Syndrome as a potential problem, you should get used to the idea now. First, get a 30-day supply of bottled water and put it in your basement. Get 30 days worth of canned food. Get plenty of ammo. Feel better? Good. Because if our entire economic system collapses and the powergrid is destroyed, most of the weak will be killed off in the first 30 days of chaos. But you'll only be emerging, fresh, to fight for food, water and women in the post-apocalypse wasteland. Sounds kind of cool, doesn't it?
Dear Dr. Know-It-All: Many years ago, a girl who swore eternal love for me pressed the duck of a couple of other guys. She said it meant nothing, but I kicked her to the curb. She quickly entered a new relationship, declared the new guy the love of her life, got married and had kids with him. Twenty years later, I google her and find their divorce papers on the Internet. Turns out they just got divorced because she got nekkid with someone not her husband or me. In the legal papers, it mentioned that her own son has taken to calling her a ho. While I'm sorry people have been hurt, is it wrong that I somehow feel incredibly satisfied by this turn of events?
Dr. Schaudenfreude-Questioner: It appears it took you 20 years to confirm that breaking up with her was the right thing to do. After all, if she was able to succeed in this immediate rebound relationship, then clearly the problem was you. But with her repeating the pattern, it's obvious you made the right call. You may feel satisfied that your world once again makes sense. But as you said, it's not good to enjoy other's pain. Good boy.