[Industrialblog,
December 18, 2006]
Sharpen Your Romantic Judgment
Introductory Philosophy (fast readers may skip this section)
Doing God's will — to do it, you must know what it is. And there's the dilemma. Because Jesus pretty much says, "By their fruits" is the test. Which is after the fact. Before the fact, you have scripture as a guide, as well as the teaching of the church, as well as the guidance of trusted mentors, and finally, your own gray matter.
I didn't always believe this next thing is true: You always have to think. There was a gap, in my first couple of years in AA, when the 12 steps put me on a pink cloud, that you didn't so much have to think as just follow the steps and seek God's will and He'd let you know, if you just followed His signs.
Then in 1991 I felt a strong call to write an old high school drinking buddy of mine. She was a naturalized American citizen, originally from Manila but grew up in Toms River with me. I wrote her a letter, and she responded, and we started a wonderful and intense correspondence.
The Set Up
She came home in December for a month; we saw each other three times. A lunch date in Princeton. New Year's Eve in New York. And finally at her parent's house in Westchester County, the night before she left to return to Manila. All three experiences were intense, things moving very fast. We seemed a perfect fit not only for each other, but for what we each needed in our lives.
After seeing her that third time, I went back to my apartment in Philly, thinking I was already in love. A day or two later, I got a postcard. She sent it to me from San Francisco, where she had a few hours layover before she caught her connecting flight across the Pacific. She said she was in love with me already. That I should take my spring break in Manila, and she'd send me a plane ticket.
It seemed so perfect. I had gotten sober in 1988, had prayed, worked with a mentor, done my therapy, worked my steps, sought God's guidance, and here was the answer to my prayers. I was sure that there would be a quick engagement. I was 28 and ready to settle down. Our feelings for each other were practically love at first sight. She said that she was, too, ready to something permanent.
We spent 10 days together in Cebu City and Manila. I'd rather keep a lot of what happened there private, but let's just say we had a pleasant time together but we didn't strictly follow the teaching of the Church in some of our activities.
After a few days, she said she had a question to ask me, something along the lines of — keeping the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in mind, whereby the fact she was asking could influence the answer, to tell the truth about my feelings for her. I told her I loved her like no one's business. In fact, I had not experienced feelings that intense for someone in many years. She said she'd never felt this way with anyone and offered to quit her rather lucrative job and move to Philadelphia. I said I'd rather move to Manila, that I'd never really traveled, and I wanted to see the world. I went home, finished up my thesis, and a month later got out of grad school, shut down my U.S. life, and moved into her place.
It seemed perfect. It felt so right. It felt like God had led us together.
Question: Did Bill and M. get married and live happily ever after?
The Decision
No, they didn't. The love gods decreed this a cosmic joke, the two were were incompatible in every possible way except one.
The relationship lasted seven weeks, followed by 10 months of angry recriminations, followed by two years of not talking to each other, except, well for a couple of nasty postcards shots across the bow now and then. Eventually, years later, apologies were offered and accepted; the two fell into indifference, and finally, cordiality.
Analysis
This case shows why you shouldn't let your feelings lead you halfway across the world, and why you shouldn't be ready to attribute intensity of emotion to God's will or answered prayers. Even if it feels perfect and that God has brought you together.
This case also shows that you should know that a particularly intense "in love" experience is a biological trick that has little to nothing to do with real love, and may in some cases be about your attempt to resolve unresolved conflicts from your childhood concerning your parents. And that'll really really hurt if it's about the latter.
Additional morals
Left as an exercise for the reader.
Bonus strange coincidence: Her initials are M.A.L.D.R. Should that have clued me in?
Cite: In re IB Bill/MAR Romantic Litigation, No. 92-02-B [JHC], 8/11/92. Anonymized to protect everyone.
Doing God's will — to do it, you must know what it is. And there's the dilemma. Because Jesus pretty much says, "By their fruits" is the test. Which is after the fact. Before the fact, you have scripture as a guide, as well as the teaching of the church, as well as the guidance of trusted mentors, and finally, your own gray matter.
I didn't always believe this next thing is true: You always have to think. There was a gap, in my first couple of years in AA, when the 12 steps put me on a pink cloud, that you didn't so much have to think as just follow the steps and seek God's will and He'd let you know, if you just followed His signs.
Then in 1991 I felt a strong call to write an old high school drinking buddy of mine. She was a naturalized American citizen, originally from Manila but grew up in Toms River with me. I wrote her a letter, and she responded, and we started a wonderful and intense correspondence.
The Set Up
She came home in December for a month; we saw each other three times. A lunch date in Princeton. New Year's Eve in New York. And finally at her parent's house in Westchester County, the night before she left to return to Manila. All three experiences were intense, things moving very fast. We seemed a perfect fit not only for each other, but for what we each needed in our lives.
After seeing her that third time, I went back to my apartment in Philly, thinking I was already in love. A day or two later, I got a postcard. She sent it to me from San Francisco, where she had a few hours layover before she caught her connecting flight across the Pacific. She said she was in love with me already. That I should take my spring break in Manila, and she'd send me a plane ticket.
It seemed so perfect. I had gotten sober in 1988, had prayed, worked with a mentor, done my therapy, worked my steps, sought God's guidance, and here was the answer to my prayers. I was sure that there would be a quick engagement. I was 28 and ready to settle down. Our feelings for each other were practically love at first sight. She said that she was, too, ready to something permanent.
We spent 10 days together in Cebu City and Manila. I'd rather keep a lot of what happened there private, but let's just say we had a pleasant time together but we didn't strictly follow the teaching of the Church in some of our activities.
After a few days, she said she had a question to ask me, something along the lines of — keeping the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in mind, whereby the fact she was asking could influence the answer, to tell the truth about my feelings for her. I told her I loved her like no one's business. In fact, I had not experienced feelings that intense for someone in many years. She said she'd never felt this way with anyone and offered to quit her rather lucrative job and move to Philadelphia. I said I'd rather move to Manila, that I'd never really traveled, and I wanted to see the world. I went home, finished up my thesis, and a month later got out of grad school, shut down my U.S. life, and moved into her place.
It seemed perfect. It felt so right. It felt like God had led us together.
Question: Did Bill and M. get married and live happily ever after?
The Decision
No, they didn't. The love gods decreed this a cosmic joke, the two were were incompatible in every possible way except one.
The relationship lasted seven weeks, followed by 10 months of angry recriminations, followed by two years of not talking to each other, except, well for a couple of nasty postcards shots across the bow now and then. Eventually, years later, apologies were offered and accepted; the two fell into indifference, and finally, cordiality.
Analysis
This case shows why you shouldn't let your feelings lead you halfway across the world, and why you shouldn't be ready to attribute intensity of emotion to God's will or answered prayers. Even if it feels perfect and that God has brought you together.
This case also shows that you should know that a particularly intense "in love" experience is a biological trick that has little to nothing to do with real love, and may in some cases be about your attempt to resolve unresolved conflicts from your childhood concerning your parents. And that'll really really hurt if it's about the latter.
Additional morals
Left as an exercise for the reader.
Bonus strange coincidence: Her initials are M.A.L.D.R. Should that have clued me in?
Cite: In re IB Bill/MAR Romantic Litigation, No. 92-02-B [JHC], 8/11/92. Anonymized to protect everyone.
Or rather, I think, that if you're going to let your feelings lead you halfway across the world, you should first make sure that your will and understanding will be sufficient to keep you there.
"This case also shows that you should know that a particularly intense "in love" experience is a biological trick that has little to nothing to do with real love"
By "real love" do you mean eros or agape?
And you're not trying to deny our animal nature is good, are you?
But I suppose, if you hadn't moved in together, your recriminations would have been less severe. Some would have claimed that this was your error. (Because when bad things happen to us, it is always because we have veered from God's true path for us.)
[retch, retch, hurl, ...must expel evangelistic christian demons from soul]
But hey, you spent some time living in Manilla. It might have worked out. Who knew? So it didn't work out... ...Isn't it better to have loved and lost?
Peace,
TWS
agape.
Of course eros isn't agape (For those not familiar with the greek terms: erotic love isn't pure charity, like the love God has for us). It isn't supposed to be.
You don't feel agape for a pint of tasty ice cream, you feel hunger, which is quite a different desire. That doesn't mean that you should guard against being lured into eating the ice cream. God bid us to be fruitful and multiply, as well as to love on another.
Huh?