[Industrialblog,
December 30, 2005]
Fearless Predictions for 2006
10. Aliens will finally arrive, with great fanfare, on earth. After a thorough examination of our society, they will pronounce Islam the dumbest, most patently false, most obviously self-serving religion in the history of the universe.
9. The Democrats will win the midterm 2006 elections by keeping quiet, flying under the radar, and allowing the GOP to self-destruct.
8. Andrew Sullivan will be miraculously healed of his homosexuality, and, in the confusion of his new heterosexuality, will propose to the first woman who sleeps with him. It'll be Maureen Dowd. She'll turn the proposal down.
7. The Palestinians will announce free elections, elect moderate politicians, and seek accommodation and peace with Israel. "Terrorism is so 2001," one Hamas official will say.
6. The New York Jets will get Reggie Bush, somehow, and be on track by year's end to make the playoffs. The Iggles will rebuild. The Cowboys will move to LA. The Houston Texans will improve. New Orleans will still be underwater.
5. Jenna Jameson will show up at my front porch, having given up her career and converted to Roman Catholicism, and announce she wants to settle down and begin a serious relationship. With me. I'll say, "Friends first."
4. A confession will be found in Mecca written by Mohammed, in which he declares he made the Koran up to justify doing whatever he wanted to do at the time. The body of Jesus of Nazareth will be found in a well-marked grave in Jerusalem. The Ark of the Covenant will be found, and it will turn out that there was an asterick after the first, fourth, sixth and seventh commandments. After the asterick on the bottom of the tablet, it said, "Just kidding. Actually, I liked the Egyptians better."
3. People will start throwing away their cell phones, declaring, "They're just too rude." Many people will start walking everywhere. Time Magazine will proclaim a trend in a cover story, "The New Walking." No one will notice.
2. Somewhere in the world, a woman will spontaneously and without prodding apologize for wrongdoing against a man.
1. IndustrialBlog will finally get linked by Instapundit. I won't post for three weeks afterward, until the instalanche is gone.
9. The Democrats will win the midterm 2006 elections by keeping quiet, flying under the radar, and allowing the GOP to self-destruct.
8. Andrew Sullivan will be miraculously healed of his homosexuality, and, in the confusion of his new heterosexuality, will propose to the first woman who sleeps with him. It'll be Maureen Dowd. She'll turn the proposal down.
7. The Palestinians will announce free elections, elect moderate politicians, and seek accommodation and peace with Israel. "Terrorism is so 2001," one Hamas official will say.
6. The New York Jets will get Reggie Bush, somehow, and be on track by year's end to make the playoffs. The Iggles will rebuild. The Cowboys will move to LA. The Houston Texans will improve. New Orleans will still be underwater.
5. Jenna Jameson will show up at my front porch, having given up her career and converted to Roman Catholicism, and announce she wants to settle down and begin a serious relationship. With me. I'll say, "Friends first."
4. A confession will be found in Mecca written by Mohammed, in which he declares he made the Koran up to justify doing whatever he wanted to do at the time. The body of Jesus of Nazareth will be found in a well-marked grave in Jerusalem. The Ark of the Covenant will be found, and it will turn out that there was an asterick after the first, fourth, sixth and seventh commandments. After the asterick on the bottom of the tablet, it said, "Just kidding. Actually, I liked the Egyptians better."
3. People will start throwing away their cell phones, declaring, "They're just too rude." Many people will start walking everywhere. Time Magazine will proclaim a trend in a cover story, "The New Walking." No one will notice.
2. Somewhere in the world, a woman will spontaneously and without prodding apologize for wrongdoing against a man.
1. IndustrialBlog will finally get linked by Instapundit. I won't post for three weeks afterward, until the instalanche is gone.
After the election, investigative reporter Jim Cook discovers that the Democratic leadership has been taking bribes of money and frequent flyer miles from rich Republicans for the past 20 years to throw the elections. Rather than go public, the deeply cynical and disillusioned Cook nestles up to the right-wing sugar teat and suckles enough filthy lucre to buy an island in Micronesia inhabited entirely by Ooompa-Loompas and dusky-hued women of uncommon pulchritude. He rules the island, which he renames Mealeys, as Inahotenkuten IV until dying of lumbago at the age of 37.