Bill's Notes

I had a good morning, despite some slips on personal matters. Reliance on grace is a good thing. I tend to be an extremely negative person, and while I try to hide this negativity from the people around me, it sometimes comes out. Part of that negativity is to not accept God's forgiveness and grace. This morning for a moment I think I got the forgiveness part. In a parking lot while picking up the dry cleaning, I thought, "God forgives me and I need to trust in that. I don't need to beat myself all day about things I've confessed and asked forgiveness for." Forgivenss is just that ... God forgives. Of course I keep meting out severe punishment, no doubt subconsciously trying to work out some childhood drama a la Alice Miller's Drama of the Gifted Child. And that working out doesn't work--just leaves me exhausted and wanting to feel better, so I do things I shouldn't do to try to comfort myself. (Overeating, overcaffeinating, when I was younger, boozing.) But why not permit God to comfort me and trust in God's love? I at least feel it now and praise God for that.

My Christian faith doesn't have a lot of love in it, I know that much. I struggle to believe God loves us, or more specifically, me. So today I'll be trusting God more to love me.