Bill's Notes

Over the past generation, women have made much of men's foibles -- even developing a supremacist attitude of women toward men's purported stupidity. It's something that irritated me as a younger man, until about 15 years ago when I simply stopped taking it seriously.

Then I read this and thought, "Oh, so that's where that attitude came from."

The girlfriend warned him not to do it. He did it anyway. And then she saved his life.

At least he was man enough to admit what he did.

That said, it's safe to say that no woman would ever do anything like that. Score one point for the women.

Glenn Reynolds lists the 25 skills all men should have. I can do 20 of 'em.

Here's the list and some notes:

1. Patch a radiator hose (Heck, I once fixed a radiator. Involved asking the guy in the auto parts store what gunk should I pour into it to patch it; then poured the gunk in.)

2. Protect your computer. (Download, point, click. Also, in the meat world, it means keeping your laptop where someone can't grab it.)

3. Rescue a boater who has capsized. (I'm not really sure a boater can capsize. A boat can capsize, and I can do lifesaving for the boater. And yes, I've righted a sailboat and a rowboat that have capsized.)

4. Frame a wall. (Well ... once helped my father do it, but I'd need some help. Not an automatic skill that I could do right now.)

5. Retouch digital photos. (Duh. Point and click.)

6. Back up a trailer. (No problem. Just do the opposite of what you're used to.)

7. Build a campfire. (No problem. Fossil fuel, carbon-based burning materials, match.)

8. Fix a dead outlet. (Not unless it involves flipping the circuit breaker.)

9. Navigate with a map and compass. (Duh.)

10. Use a torque wrench. (No problemo.)

11. Sharpen a knife. (It's a little like shaving -- same angle, same movement.)

12. Perform CPR. (Certified back in lifeguard days.)

13. Fillet a fish. (Yes, unless you're talking about doing a job suitable for a Japanese restaurant.)

14. Maneuver a car out of a skid. (Keep driving down the road, kid -- it's that simple.)

15. Get a car unstuck. (Yes, but it depends how stuck you are.)

16. Back up data. (Depends how much and what program. I don't know how to back up a database on a corporate server, but my sister does, and she's not a man.)

17. Paint a room. (Tarp on floor.)

18. Mix concrete. (You want four-inch slope concrete, or add superplasticizers to get eight-inch slope 8,000-PSI compression strength, like the old world trade center had.)

19. Clean a bolt-action rifle. (Well, I can clean my Glock. Haven't actually cleaned a bolt-action rifle.)
20. Change oil and filter. (Like once a month since I bought my new car.)

21. Hook up an HDTV. (Nope.)

22. Bleed brakes. (What is bleeding brakes? Nope, I guess.)

23. Paddle a canoe. (Yup. Note: We may tip over.)

24. Fix a bike flat. (Duh -- are these men's skills or boy's skills?)

25. Extend your wireless network. (Not unless it involves physically moving the hub closer to where I want to put the client. What kind of geeky list is this?)

*****

Here's a different take. Nine things a man should be able to do:

1. Open a jar.
2. Love a woman.
3. Counsel a friend.
4. Kill an enemy.
5. Instruct the young.
6. Earn a living.
7. Worship one God.
8. Get where you're going without stopping for directions.
9. Recognize bullshit.

Sen. Chambers of Nebraska seeks a permanent injunction against God in Nebraska state courts. I may write an amicus brief. But I imagine the judge will have a lot of fun writing the opinion. Though I wonder, who will defend God, how will the defender have standing, and can God suffer a default judgment?

As I've hinted at here, I've been trying to inoculate myself against Clinton Derangement Syndrome by getting used to the idea of a second Clinton presidency now. OK, let's go through the potential news from a Hillary first term:

1. Jan. 21, 2009. Iran threatens the U.S. with nuclear annihilation. Hillary surrenders. Iran celebrates. A few weeks later, Hillary approves an airbombing campaign that seriously degrades the ability of anyone in Iran to make war on anyone. When asked by the president of Iran what's up, she responds, "You really didn't think we were surrendering, did you? I mean, you can't be that stupid."

2. June 15, 2009. Hillary announces that employers must pay for 12 weeks of FMLA leave per year, and that any complaints by supervisors and managers are prima facie evidence of retaliation, and thus subject to Title VII lawsuits.

3. The next day, she announces her universal, single-payer healthcare plan. I get on line to get my shoulder fixed — surgery scheduled for June 16, 2021.

4. September 11, 2009. Hillary has the Navy shoot down four Saudia Arabian aircraft, for no apparent reason. "How do you like sneak attacks, assholes?" she explains.

5. September 15, 2009. Hillary announces her plan to reconstitute the employment situation in the U.S. From now on, there will be a centralized pool of job candidates, all of whom must be federal certification. Employers apply to the job pool, and a new federal agency decides whom they may hire, taking into account preferences for protected groups.

6. Jan. 1, 2010. Tobacco made illegal. Marijuana made legal. Federal laws require all states to require people on bicycles to wear helmets, but ban states from requiring people on motorcycles to wear helmets. You figure it out.

7. July 1, 2010. The sunsetting of the Bush tax cuts; this goes down as the largest passive tax increase in American history.

8. Jan. 20, 2011. The Supreme Court declares the right to bear arms "a dormant clause of the Constitution, like the commerce clause" and orders the federal government to disarm the U.S. populace. Hillary declares, "She'll study the matter."

9. Sept. 30, 2011. Food riots, gas riots, skirmishes between disarming feds and citizen militias, boiling seas, dogs and cats living together — Hillary responds to civil unrest by declaring martial law. In desperation, she replaces network television with hardcore pornography. That settles people down for a while.

10. June 20, 2012. Unemployment reaches 35%; severe Kleenex shortage reported; Hillary resorts to "beer for guns" strategy. Instead, local militias simply use the guns to rob the federal beer trucks.

11. Oct. 31, 2012. Citing civil unrest, Hillary cancels the November 2012 president election, and promises to hold elections in spring 2013.

12. Dec. 31, 2012. World suddenly ends, as per Mayan calendar.

Whew! I feel better.

No, I don't have before and after pictures, so don't ask ... but this weekend I took my super-duper 2,800 PSI power-washer out for a spin. Power washed the whole deck. The deck went from crud-covered grey to yellow pine in two morning's work. Without (except in some areas of the railing) raising the grain. Looks great -- practically brand new. A little sanding of the railings, a little wood-life, and the thing is set for a few years.

And I've got one fewer maintenance project nagging at me. (I need to replace the shingles on and insulate the roof, paint the house, re-gravel the driveway, clear some of the downed branches, and do something about the well. But I'm not going to worry about that now. I've got a few years to do each of these projects ... right now, that's one big item off the list!