Bill's Notes

Hey, I'm finally sleeping in. Got up after 9:30 today.

Went to a local Catholic Church. There were about 2,000 people there, easy. Amazing that they could serve communion to that many people.

Very quiet here. Merry Christmas Eve.

Interesting.

Got caught in torture chamber and was sneezed on by a donkey. Was attacked by and shot up some space aliens. Was locked in hell by some nefarious dead Egyptian megalomaniac but we somehow we escaped through some dark mist. Attacked by a shark immediately after the shark devoured the previous tour boat, and only our tour guide's facility with a grenade launcher saved us from certain doom.

After that, we saw a band starting up a show, so we stopped in, but they turned out to be monsters playing 80s music accompanied by pyrotechnics. People kept stepping over the benches in contravention of the stated rules, which upset me a little bit.

We had lunch in a restaurant while Jimmy Buffet played on the big screens, but get this, a volcano exploded in the bar and spewed margarita-colored lava that poured into a giant margarita glass.

What do you after a big lunch? Right, a rollercoaster. We were shot out of a giant green cannon, did a whole bunch of flips and turns, and came into port a few minutes later with our lunch well-mixed.

We continued our day with what we thought was a quiet little river tour of a dinosaur park, but that went awry, too — we ended up in the raptor containment unit by mistake, and just narrowly escaped those vicious predators only to be attacked by a giant T-Rex. We sidestepped him by heading down a giant waterfall.

Now what do once you've nearly been eaten by a ferocious lizard? Right, you try to forget by going on another rollercoaster. This one was a hanging rollercoaster, a type I've never been on. You feel like you're hanging in space, you know, except for the flips and turns and giant falls and since your legs are dangling, you think they're gonna crack on everything. Quite fun. Great for my back, too.

Feeling a bit more adventurous, we then went to the ruins of an ancient temple. As with everything else, that went wrong and the tour guide got trapped and his assistant took us on the tour, and we got trapped in the temple, ended up having to go further and further in and got held hostage by this evil obsessive god-stalker and were only saved by Poseidon after he attacked his nemesis. Whew!

Slowing things down, we stopped by what we thought was a safe little house, but it turned out this rhyming cat and his two friends invaded the house and made a big mess and ignoring rather sensible warnings of a goldfish. Fortunately, the cat had this incredible device that cleaned up the mess.

Tired, we went home. Great fun. Who knew so many crazy things can happen to you just walking around Orlando?

Introductory Philosophy (fast readers may skip this section)
Doing God's will — to do it, you must know what it is. And there's the dilemma. Because Jesus pretty much says, "By their fruits" is the test. Which is after the fact. Before the fact, you have scripture as a guide, as well as the teaching of the church, as well as the guidance of trusted mentors, and finally, your own gray matter.

I didn't always believe this next thing is true: You always have to think. There was a gap, in my first couple of years in AA, when the 12 steps put me on a pink cloud, that you didn't so much have to think as just follow the steps and seek God's will and He'd let you know, if you just followed His signs.

Then in 1991 I felt a strong call to write an old high school drinking buddy of mine. She was a naturalized American citizen, originally from Manila but grew up in Toms River with me. I wrote her a letter, and she responded, and we started a wonderful and intense correspondence.

The Set Up
She came home in December for a month; we saw each other three times. A lunch date in Princeton. New Year's Eve in New York. And finally at her parent's house in Westchester County, the night before she left to return to Manila. All three experiences were intense, things moving very fast. We seemed a perfect fit not only for each other, but for what we each needed in our lives.

After seeing her that third time, I went back to my apartment in Philly, thinking I was already in love. A day or two later, I got a postcard. She sent it to me from San Francisco, where she had a few hours layover before she caught her connecting flight across the Pacific. She said she was in love with me already. That I should take my spring break in Manila, and she'd send me a plane ticket.

It seemed so perfect. I had gotten sober in 1988, had prayed, worked with a mentor, done my therapy, worked my steps, sought God's guidance, and here was the answer to my prayers. I was sure that there would be a quick engagement. I was 28 and ready to settle down. Our feelings for each other were practically love at first sight. She said that she was, too, ready to something permanent.

We spent 10 days together in Cebu City and Manila. I'd rather keep a lot of what happened there private, but let's just say we had a pleasant time together but we didn't strictly follow the teaching of the Church in some of our activities.

After a few days, she said she had a question to ask me, something along the lines of — keeping the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in mind, whereby the fact she was asking could influence the answer, to tell the truth about my feelings for her. I told her I loved her like no one's business. In fact, I had not experienced feelings that intense for someone in many years. She said she'd never felt this way with anyone and offered to quit her rather lucrative job and move to Philadelphia. I said I'd rather move to Manila, that I'd never really traveled, and I wanted to see the world. I went home, finished up my thesis, and a month later got out of grad school, shut down my U.S. life, and moved into her place.

It seemed perfect. It felt so right. It felt like God had led us together.

Question: Did Bill and M. get married and live happily ever after?

The Decision
No, they didn't. The love gods decreed this a cosmic joke, the two were were incompatible in every possible way except one.

The relationship lasted seven weeks, followed by 10 months of angry recriminations, followed by two years of not talking to each other, except, well for a couple of nasty postcards shots across the bow now and then. Eventually, years later, apologies were offered and accepted; the two fell into indifference, and finally, cordiality.

Analysis
This case shows why you shouldn't let your feelings lead you halfway across the world, and why you shouldn't be ready to attribute intensity of emotion to God's will or answered prayers. Even if it feels perfect and that God has brought you together.

This case also shows that you should know that a particularly intense "in love" experience is a biological trick that has little to nothing to do with real love, and may in some cases be about your attempt to resolve unresolved conflicts from your childhood concerning your parents. And that'll really really hurt if it's about the latter.

Additional morals
Left as an exercise for the reader.

Bonus strange coincidence: Her initials are M.A.L.D.R. Should that have clued me in?

Cite: In re IB Bill/MAR Romantic Litigation, No. 92-02-B [JHC], 8/11/92. Anonymized to protect everyone.

So, first day on vacation back at the folks. Decompressing. Had a big breakfast at Too Jay's restaurant in Lake Mary, FL. Caught up on all the family stuff -- nothing to report on this blog. Nothing really to report. Well, my mother made a nice beef stew last night and it was terrific. Hope you're all well.

ROCKY MOUNT, N.C. -- Vacation! Had to start a little late -- had to finish up some work on Saturday morning, but by one o'clock I was done and hit the road. Off until Jan. 1! Envy me.

Nondescript trip, lots of traffic, but moving, and finished up about 7 last night. Made a reservation by cell phone on I-95, and I suppose the funniest thing that happened was my talking to an Indian customer service agent about the next Holiday Inn on I-95 south in North Carolina. (I gave up, it would be like my giving her directions from New Delhi to Bombay -- "Uh, you take this red line until it hits the blue one and turn left".)

Anyway, found a serviceable motel and I'm going to get my complimentary breakfast (that I no doubt paid for somehow) now.

Best to all.