For Mothers: How to pick up your son from hockey practice
1. Leave your home only a few minutes before practice ends. Your son won't mind if you're a little late. He can talk to his friends. Plus, not getting there early will prevent all sorts of trouble ... such as your temptation to watch hockey practice, call out your son's name from the stands, and otherwise embarrass your son because "his mom" is watching, not to mention other types of temptation we will discuss in Step 5.
2. Make sure you have enough room for your son's gear in your vehicle. This may require some pre-planning.
3. When you get to the hockey rink, pull your car near the front door. Leave the car in park and listen to some music if you like, but keep the volume down. Your son will be horrified if you're listening to something loud and queer when he gets in, like old Supertramp CDs, and he'll only ask you to turn it down.
4. When your son comes out of the rink, let him into your car and drive home. You may take a detour to get hot chocolate on occasion, as long as his friends will not see you. If you are called "MILFy" by his friends, try not to get too flattered. And considered wearing looser, more modest clothing. In any case, take the kid home.
5. Picking up your son from hockey practice is not terribly difficult, yet many moms ruin their marriages by falling into a couple of common pitfalls. Here is a list of things not to do:
A. If you must go inside the hockey rink, keep any conversation with the hockey coaches on the safe side of small talk. Do not, under any circumstances, ask to "see the coach's stick." Do not fondle a hockey stick in a lurid way, do not make jokes about a stick's size, do not use a stick in the same manner a stripper uses a brass pole. If you are tempted to do these things, return to the car and wait. If you are excessively tempted by the hockey coach, send your husband to pick up the kid from hockey practice.
B. Similarly, if the coach offers to show you his stick, demur and immediately return to the car idling outside the rink, as in Step 3.
C. You may claim, later on in divorce court, that "it just happened." No, it didn't.
D. Just in case it's not clear, don't boff the hockey coach. The courts may not be terribly sympathetic to you.
NOTE to Moms: Do NOT try to use these procedures for picking your son from soccer practice. Different procedures apply, and there are different risks.
2. Make sure you have enough room for your son's gear in your vehicle. This may require some pre-planning.
3. When you get to the hockey rink, pull your car near the front door. Leave the car in park and listen to some music if you like, but keep the volume down. Your son will be horrified if you're listening to something loud and queer when he gets in, like old Supertramp CDs, and he'll only ask you to turn it down.
4. When your son comes out of the rink, let him into your car and drive home. You may take a detour to get hot chocolate on occasion, as long as his friends will not see you. If you are called "MILFy" by his friends, try not to get too flattered. And considered wearing looser, more modest clothing. In any case, take the kid home.
5. Picking up your son from hockey practice is not terribly difficult, yet many moms ruin their marriages by falling into a couple of common pitfalls. Here is a list of things not to do:
A. If you must go inside the hockey rink, keep any conversation with the hockey coaches on the safe side of small talk. Do not, under any circumstances, ask to "see the coach's stick." Do not fondle a hockey stick in a lurid way, do not make jokes about a stick's size, do not use a stick in the same manner a stripper uses a brass pole. If you are tempted to do these things, return to the car and wait. If you are excessively tempted by the hockey coach, send your husband to pick up the kid from hockey practice.
B. Similarly, if the coach offers to show you his stick, demur and immediately return to the car idling outside the rink, as in Step 3.
C. You may claim, later on in divorce court, that "it just happened." No, it didn't.
D. Just in case it's not clear, don't boff the hockey coach. The courts may not be terribly sympathetic to you.
NOTE to Moms: Do NOT try to use these procedures for picking your son from soccer practice. Different procedures apply, and there are different risks.