Bill's Notes

So to continue my conversations at lunch.

Me: Did you know that our solar system is in the outer spiral of the Milky Way. There are all these stars clustered in the middle, and we're way the hell out there. We're not even the Black Earth, Wisconsin of the galaxy. We're like Pago-Pago.

Friend: Really? I didn't know that.

Me: Yeah, when visitors from other planets get here, they're gonna look worn down, be exhausted and stinky from the trip, and talk to us like we're the universe's most remote hicks. They're going to talk real slow to us. "Weeee .... aaaaarrrrrrreeeee ... allllieeeeaaanssss." They'll point up. "Frrooomm tttthhheeee skyyyyyy! Weeeee'd likkkkeeee to uuuussseeee yyyooouurrr rreeessssstttt rrroooom." Of course, we'll answer. "Only if you buy something, city boy."

I'm having lunch with a colleague. Now, I've been pretty stressed out lately. So I'm trying to enjoy lunch. My friend asks for ketchup. The waitress takes a ketchup bottle off another table and puts it on ours. Now, the restaurant is almost empty, and it bothers me a little bit that now there's no ketchup bottle on the other table, but I let it go. But then, when the waitress brings our food, she brings us another ketchup bottle. That gives us two and none on the other table. Which leads to this exchange:

Me: Thanks for the ketchup. But now we have two ketchup bottles.

She: Right. The one I took off the other table was a little light. It's almost empty.

Me: Oh. But now we have two ketchup bottles on our table. I'm not using ketchup.

She: Yes.

[Starts to walk away.]

Me [only half-kidding]: Um, not to have an OCD moment here ...

She [suddenly getting it]: Do you want me to take the "light" bottle away?

Me: Kinda.

[Grabs bottle.]

Me: Thanks!

The waitress laughs.

Me [to my lunch colleague, who's looking at me a little quizzically]: Hey, at least I didn't insist she put the bottle back on the other table.

It's a little strange, I know. Borderline OCD there. But with all the stress I've been under, there was no way I could handle having an extra ketchup bottle on the table. I mean, restaurant tables have one bottle of ketchup, one set of salt- and-pepper shakers, and the like. You can't just willy-nilly change these things. What the eff is wrong with the world?

To: Al Qaeda, Adam Pearlman, a/k/a, Adam Gadahn, spokesman
From: IB Bill, IndustrialBlog
Re: Your "Invitation to Islam" video

You have recently invited Americans to accept Islam. I quote your invitation:

If the Zionist crusader missionaries of hate and counter-Islam consultants like Daniel Pipes, Robert Spencer, Michael Scheuer, Steven Emerson, and yes, even the crusader-in-chief George W. Bush were to abandon their unbelief and repent and enter into the light of Islam and turn their swords against the enemies of God, it would be accepted of them and they would be our brothers in Islam. And we send a special invitation to all of you fighting Bush’s crusader pipe dream in Afghanistan, Iraq, and wherever else W. has sent you to die....

To Americans and the rest of Christendom we say, either repent (your) misguided ways and enter into the light of truth or keep your poison to yourself and suffer the consequences in this world and the next....

Why not surrender to the truth? Escape from the unbelieving army and join the winning side. As for those who have expressed their respect and admiration for Islam, and acknowledged that it is the truth and demonstrated the support and sympathy for the Muslims and their causes like George Galloway, Robert Fisk, and countless others, I say to them, isn’t it time you stopped sitting on the fence and came over to the side of truth?...Abandon unbelief and accept the truth.

No. Islam is not the truth. Mohammed was not a true prophet. The Koran is a Satanic lie. And you're a bunch of dumb-asses dressed in funny hats. Thanks for the invite, though.

If you want to know the truth, we can set you up for RCIA classes. But hurry. They start this week, and if you miss them, you'll have wait until next September.

So would you lie to save your ass? Only people who have never lied to save their ass may respond affirmatively.

:)

FTR, I'd like to think I wouldn't have allowed myself to be forcibly converted. But you know, when push comes to shove, I don't know what I would've done. I might've said to myself, these are a bunch of morons, and I'm don't have to take these morons seriously. But if I were in a peevish mood, I might tell 'em to fuck off and take their whore mothers that bore them to join their false prophet in hell. Or I might say, "Oh, yeah, sure, There is NO gawd but gawd, and that Mohammed dude [eyes roll] is his prophet." Then when released, say, "My fingers were crossed."

BTW, would you swear eternal allegiance to the devil to save your ass? Oh, you wouldn't? Isn't converting to Islam much the same thing?

Do you have to die just because some asshole who doesn't have a clue what he's doing paints you into a corner?

No? But isn't that what happened at the crucifixion?

Have you noticed gas prices fall before elections, and then rise even higher after?

If I understand the accident correctly ... how ironic is it that famed croc hunter Steve Irwin doesn't get killed doing something crazy, but in a freak diving accident on the Great Barrier Reef? Got stung by a sting ray. A sting ray! That could've happened to anyone. RIP.